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The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught podcast

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The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught

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  The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught  

This is the story of how I found a time traveling watch behind a dumpster and my subsequent adventures through time as I make the world a better place...for me...and sometimes for other people as well...I mean, I have no doubt other people also benefited from the changes I made, so in some ways, it's kind of the story of how I became the greatest hero of all time...as well as a guide for any of you who might wind up finding a time machine and becoming a time traveler.

This is the story of how I found a time traveling watch behind a dumpster and my subsequent adventures through time as I make the world a better place...for me...and sometimes for other people as well...I mean, I have no doubt other people also benefited from the changes I made, so in some ways, it's kind of the story of how I became the greatest hero of all time...as well as a guide for any of you who might wind up finding a time machine and becoming a time traveler.

 

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Progress

Duration

Release Date

#36

Ch 33 Part 2: That Time My Dad and I Became Pirates of the Caribbean

Now that my dad and I successfully brought two pirates to justice, it was time for us to usurp their roles in Blackbeard's crew.  When we got on his ship, Blackbeard told us he was planning on attacking a British fleet and would then take the loot to his secret hiding place, which was perfect for us because we really wanted to discover his long lost treasure.  Things seemed like they were going pretty well until they took a turn for the worse, leaving my dad and me in an epic battle against Blackbeard...well, I guess it wasn't that epic, but kinda epic when compared to the rest of my travels. ... Read more

09 Aug 2024

31 MINS

31:08

09 Aug 2024

#35

Ch 33 Part 1: That Time My Dad and I Became Pirates of the Caribbean

After bringing Jack the Ripper to justice, my dad and I decided to become pirates of the Caribbean, which I'm sure needs no explanation because obviously anyone would naturally come to that same decision.  So we went back to 1718 and became members of Blackbeard's crew to discover his long lost treasure.  A lot of incredibly fascinating things happen on this journey, as well as a few unfascinating things, which is why the chapter got split into two delicious episodes...YAYYYY!!! ... Read more

02 Aug 2024

25 MINS

25:08

02 Aug 2024

#34

Ch 32: That Time I Discovered Jack the Ripper's Identity

Still reeling from the incredible discovery behind the JFK assassination, my dad and I decide we want to make another cool discovery, so we travel back to The Industrial Revolution to find out the true identity of Jack the Ripper, and you know, maybe in the process, bring him to justice.  And that's what we did...we did exactly that...I don't know why I have all the ellipses which makes it seem like my dad and I didn't actually do it.  I mean, we did.  The dot dot dots are meant to add mystery to the sentence, like this one... ... Read more

26 Jul 2024

27 MINS

27:34

26 Jul 2024

#33

Ch 31: That Time I Found Out Who Assassinated JFK

Now that I convinced my dad to not go back in time and raise me, we both agreed we should take a journey back to Dallas and discover who really killed JFK.  And I gotta say, this was a crazy adventure, or at least as crazy as any other adventure I went on.  I know it seems kinda obvious for a time traveler to go back in time and do something that involves the JFK assassination, but you really gotta stop being so judgmental when it comes to my adventures.  I'm SORRY I went back in time and did something so obvious!  It's not like I went on my adventures thinking what some random listener in the future might think. ... Read more

19 Jul 2024

29 MINS

29:59

19 Jul 2024

#32

Ch 30: That Time I Showed My Dad My Childhood

Okay, so this is a weird episode, and thats saying something because I didn't even think it was that weird when I went back and had an almost fourway with my dad and two Nazi women on the Hindenburg.  My dad was feeling super guilty about abandoning me as a child and wanted to go back and raise me in order to make things right, but the problem was, I kinda liked my life and didn't want everything to change.  So I had to convince my dad to not NOT abandon me. ... Read more

12 Jul 2024

22 MINS

22:18

12 Jul 2024

#31

Ch 29: That Time My Dad and I Almost Got Sacrificed by the Aztecs

Some might see my getting captured by the Aztecs as some sort of Karmic retribution for having a sorta fourway with my dad and two Nazis on the Hindenburg, but it was honestly just a bit of bad luck getting taken by the natives.  I'll tell you this about being a prisoner...it isn't fun.  I know that isn't the most enlightening thought, but it was a super traumatic experience and it isn't something I like to talk about a lot, mainly because it was super boring being locked in a cage.  But that isn't to say this episode is boring at all, because when ranked amongst all the other chapters, it's definitely somewhere in the middle, but just like Malcolm, and that threesome I had in 1944, sometimes it's great to be in the middle. ... Read more

05 Jul 2024

21 MINS

21:06

05 Jul 2024

#30

Ch 28: That Time Me and My Dad Nearly Exploded on the Hindenburg

Now that I had successfully shown my dad all my great adventures, it was time for us to have a grand adventure of our own!  It was a pretty obvious choice for us to visit the Hindenburg and see it explode, but I had no idea we would actually go aboard the dirigible and kinda sorta get stuck on it.  But aside from our near death experience, my dad and I had a lot of fun.  We meet some hot Nazi women aboard the Hindenburg and decide to try to have sex with them because...you know...Hitler deserved it.  And if for some reason you think it's wrong for my dad and me to pursue hot Nazi women, that means you're somehow taking Hitler's side, and do you really want to be on the same side as Hitler? ... Read more

28 Jun 2024

27 MINS

27:13

28 Jun 2024

#29

Ch 27: That Time I Showed My Dad All My Best Adventures

Now that I had a daddy, I wanted to show him all of my time traveling adventures, especially that threesome I had with those two lonely housewives in 1944.  Because when you meet your long lost father, the first thing you want him to see, is you having a threesome.  Some people might claim this episode is nothing more than a clip show, but how dare they accuse me of doing something as lazy as wasting an entire week on regurgitated material!  Shame on them!  SHAME! ... Read more

21 Jun 2024

29 MINS

29:44

21 Jun 2024

#28

Ch 26: That Time I Met Him Part 2

Yes, it's true, the man who left me my time traveling watch was my dad [DUN DUN DUNNNN].  Now for those of you who aren't listening week to week and accidentally saw this synopsis before you watched the previous episode, I bet you're feeling pretty foolish right now for getting such a great mystery spoiled.  Let this be a lesson for you that I am most definitely going to spoil previous episodes in my synopses, and why are you even reading the synopsis of a future episode?  That's really weird.  Anyway, the guy claims to be my dad but I need proof before I call him daddy, so he shows me proof by taking us back to when he met my mother. ... Read more

14 Jun 2024

20 MINS

20:28

14 Jun 2024

#27

Ch 25: That Time I Met Him

After future me got touched by Jesus in a totally appropriate way, he decided he was ready to move on with his life and start a family, which was totally great for him, but kinda sucked for me because I lost my best friend.  Losing myself made me contemplate the big questions in life, like who left the time traveling watch behind the dumpster.  And so, I set out to discover the greatest mystery of my life! ... Read more

07 Jun 2024

09 MINS

09:51

07 Jun 2024

#26

Ch 24: That Time I Met Jesus

Yes, it's true, I had wild sex with a Native American who was most definitely not super old, and it was awesome!  All in all, my trip to Plymouth Plantation was a success, seeing as how I got a free meal and had some wild sex.  But after the debauchery that took place in Puritan times, future me and present me felt like we needed to cleanse our soul, and so we decided to go back and meet Jesus. ... Read more

31 May 2024

29 MINS

29:41

31 May 2024

#25

Ch 23: That Time I Went to the First Thanksgiving and Had Sex with an Indian

Finally, Alvie was brought to justice!  Now, I know abandoning someone back in Ancient Pompeii before a volcano wipes out the entire town might sound cruel, but you gotta remember, this guy abandoned me on the Titanic...AND, his name's Alvie!  ALVIE!!  Anyway, even though we made our nemesis pay for his betrayal and we could've just gone home to watch iCarly, me and my future self still wanted to enjoy the very first Thanksgiving meal and also, make sweet, passionate and unselfish sex to the hot pilgrim.  And so, we returned to Plymouth Plantation! ... Read more

24 May 2024

23 MINS

23:54

24 May 2024

#24

Ch 22: That Time I Went Back to Plymouth Plantation to Paint Alvie's Face

It was time.  Time for us to go back to the very first Thanksgiving and get my watch back from Alvie.  Yes I know, it meant I had to go back to colonial America AGAIN, but despite the time period sucking, I was looking forward to a great meal and Alvie's great reckoning.  Spoiler alert: I wind up getting my watch back...oh you don't like spoilers?  Then why're you even reading these synopses? ... Read more

17 May 2024

30 MINS

30:41

17 May 2024

#23

Ch 21: That Time I Met My Future Self

OMG, my future self who was 10 years older came back and rescued me from a miserable life being trapped in the past.  And, if I may say, I was looking quite hot in my middle age.  Me and myself wanted to do nothing more than bring Alvie to justice and reclaim my time traveling watch, but we both decided that first, we should go to a club and pick up a hot lady! ... Read more

10 May 2024

19 MINS

19:20

10 May 2024

#22

Ch 20: Okay let's get this restarted

Well, I was screwed.  Not only was I stuck on the Titanic as it hit an iceberg, but I was also feeling super emasculated being held down by the two Alvies and getting my time traveling watch stolen from me.  But all was not lost.  I could still find a way to survive this whole ordeal, but in order for me to somehow get back to the present, I would first need to get on a lifeboat.  But how... ... Read more

03 May 2024

41 MINS

41:19

03 May 2024

#21

Ch 19: That Time I was on the Maiden Voyage of the Titanic

Yes it's true, I had a threesome in 1944 Los Angeles, and it was as amazing as it sounds.  It was so great that I had an immediate urge to share my story, and so I decided to meet up with my time traveling buddy and tell him all about it which meant, it was time to go on the Titanic.  This was a doozy of a trip, and yes, I'm using the word doozy now.  Do I use a lot of James Cameron Titanic references in this chapter?  Yes.  Do the James Cameron Titanic references ever get old?  No.  Do I enjoy asking myself questions in the episode synopsis?  Yes.  ... Read more

26 Apr 2024

39 MINS

39:27

26 Apr 2024