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The Quibbler: A Harry Potter Book Club

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Heather Price-Wright & Alex Dalenberg

A Harry Potter book club for grownups. Heather Price-Wright and Alex Dalenberg make their way through the Harry Potter books, chapter by chapter. We analyze avada kedavra. We dissect Dumbledore. We question quidditch. And we hail Hermione. Join us as we go as deep as you've always wanted to into the books that defined our childhoods. Alohamora—the door is open.

#129

Ep. 102—Hagrid: Into the Spiderverse

A lot of important things happen in this chapter, but also, Minerva McGonagall leads a flock of Hogwarts desk into battle. Awesome. This week, The Golden Trio stick to a plan; LoVo should fire his advance team; Draco’s mommy wuvs him; and we bid goodnight, sweet(?) Half-Blood Prince. Plus: actual, Hagrid-style weeping about Hagrid. This time: The Elder Wand Next time: The Prince’s Tale ... Read more

18 Jan 2022

1 HR 21 MINS

1:21:55

18 Jan 2022

#128

Ep. 101—No Time to Diadem

Fred Weasley was dead, to begin with. Sorry, we just had to remind you exactly what you’re getting into with this episode. But don’t worry! There’s also hellfire! And murder! And toxic workplaces! And snogging! And impossible moral conundrums! And bitchy ghosts! And PUNS ON PUNS ON PUNS! And a very limited amount of singing. This time: The Battle of Hogwarts Next time: The Elder Wand ... Read more

08 Dec 2021

1 HR 46 MINS

1:46:28

08 Dec 2021

#127

Ep. 100—Wizardry, Equality, Fraternity

Five years, 100 episodes, every single conceivable permutation of the f-word, and a 45-minute summary of a pretty throwaway chapter. Welcome back, witches! Sorry we wrote that. Anyway, this week, some classic Rowling quirks rear their fat pig heads, including ugly villains, reactionary teens, brutal foreshadowing of fractured families, and cool hidden Hogwarts tricks. Harry also does a torture. Plus: We … sing? A lot? This time: The Sacking of Severus Snape Next time: The Battle of Hogwarts ... Read more

06 Oct 2021

1 HR 24 MINS

1:24:38

06 Oct 2021

#126

Ep. 99—Hog's Head Revisited

Can we get away with not acknowledging that this is our first episode since February? No, huh? Don’t worry, there’s an explanation at the beginning, but mostly this is just a long, unhinged summary with digressions into wizard bathroom habits (thanks, Twitter) and interruptions from a puppy. Neville has some battle scars; Harry learns to accept help; Aberforth makes a mean ploughman’s lunch; and the Snape Discourse gets ever-more maddening. This time: The Lost Diadem Next time: The Sacking of Severus Snape ... Read more

06 Sep 2021

1 HR 24 MINS

1:24:50

06 Sep 2021

#125

Ep. 98—Dumbles Dore (like Attorneys General)

Pretty annoying to meet the best character in the final act of the final book, but that's the hand we're dealt with G.O.A.T. Aberforth Dumbledore. This week: Ron's hunger makes him stupid(er), we miss dive bars immensely, and a terrible family saga finally sees the light of day. Plus: aspersions of goat … uh … loving. It takes all sorts. This week: The Missing Mirror Next week: The Lost Diadem ... Read more

09 Feb 2021

1 HR 01 MINS

1:01:04

09 Feb 2021

#124

Advent Calendar Final Night—A Visit from an Obscure Greek Saint

And to all a good night! This is just us reading aloud to you and cracking wise. Plus an alarming amount of doctrinal history. Because you know you've always wanted to hear us talk about Trinitarians versus the Arian Heresy. ... Read more

25 Dec 2020

34 MINS

34:23

25 Dec 2020

#123

Advent Calendar Week 3—Midnight Sleigh to Candy Town

Ever wonder what it sounds like when someone who has basically never danced "summarizes" a ballet? Wonder no more, because this week we watched the New York City Ballet's streaming production of The Nutcracker! So naturally we talk about ghosts, illicit sexual desire, the problematic ideals of "multiculturalism" in America, and Alex uses the phrase "wild with grief." But also we talk outfits, don't worry. Merry Christmas Eve! ... Read more

24 Dec 2020

1 HR 00 MINS

1:00:09

24 Dec 2020

#122

Advent Calendar Week 2—Yosemite Clementine

This one's a bit delayed, as it was something of an emotional gauntlet to edit (you'll hear why in the latter half. Be warned.) We watched the stop-motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer TV special and A Charlie Brown Christmas, and we loved one and hated the other. Betcha can't guess which! It does get real toward the end, and we dedicate this episode to everyone spending this season grieving someone beloved. Next time (sometime) will be a little bit… nuttier. ;) ... Read more

19 Dec 2020

1 HR 18 MINS

1:18:03

19 Dec 2020

#121

Advent Calendar Week 1—How the Grinch Stole Everything

Spend this very strange holiday season with us, quibbling about the Christmas classics that make us merry and/or cause us to cringe. First up, the ultimate tale of holiday alienation and a master class in Committing to the Bit: The Grinch! Yuletide supervillain or just a guy sick of noise and Amazon packages? We'll be dropping more holiday goodies throughout the rest of the month, so stay tuned! xoxo ... Read more

05 Dec 2020

50 MINS

50:30

05 Dec 2020

#120

Ep. 97—There's Some Horcruxes in This House

This is an 80 minute episode about a 17 minute chapter. The summary is twice the length of the chapter itself. You. Are. Welcome! This week: Heather tells an unfollowable anecdote about animal actors; Alex and Heather both mangle explanations of the social and physical sciences; Alex and Heather ALSO talk about their dreams, for some reason; also there's a Harry Potter chapter with a dragon and maybe some murders, we think? It's a lot. Plus: The Easter egg took us an entire evening to make. Please like it. This week's chapter: The Final Hiding Place Next week's chapter: The Missing Mirror ... Read more

03 Dec 2020

1 HR 20 MINS

1:20:00

03 Dec 2020

#119

Ep. 96—Pavlov's Dragon

A truly vintage episode in which we actually just quibble for an hour. For example: Do wizards think banks and mines are the same thing? Has Ron seen Borat? If goblins have this extremely handy Thief's Downfall thing for detecting bank robbers, why not put it … at … the entrance? Is Hermione just totally asleep at the wheel here or does she actually think this broke-ass Ocean's Four nonsense will succeed? Why does Griphook open doors so weird? Do they murder Travers? This week chapter: Gringotts Next week's chapter: The Final Hiding Place ... Read more

24 Nov 2020

1 HR 10 MINS

1:10:29

24 Nov 2020

#118

The Nibbler 5—Live Free or Twi-hard

It's the spookiest Halloween in a long, long, long time, so we're rewarding (?) you all with a long, long, LONG final episode of The Nibbler. Seriously this thing is gargantuan. What did we even talk about? Dust motes? Child brides? Eternal sleeplessness? Accidentally becoming full, un-ironic fans of this series despite the fact that it barely qualifies as having a plot? ALL OF IT AND MORE. Plus: Freaked out forgers, vampire fat acceptance, unqualified obstetricians, and more, more more. This week: Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Next week: Gringotts ... Read more

31 Oct 2020

2 HR 10 MINS

2:10:32

31 Oct 2020

#117

Ep. 95—Gender Revelio!

The One Where We Alienate Most of our Remaining Listeners Who Still Like Harry Potter. Kidding-ish, but this is the first one recorded post-Rowling screed(s), so yeah, we get into it a bit. Also, some of Bill's best friends are goblins, heterosexual marriage cures Lupin of … being old and tired? and Ron makes every bad-faith devil's advocate argument you could ever hope to find on Reddit. And we learn about art history a little bit! This week's chapter: Shell Cottage Next week's chapter: Gringott's ... Read more

27 Oct 2020

1 HR 15 MINS

1:15:40

27 Oct 2020

#116

Movie Mini 7—Creature Feature Creep

We very irrationally still call these "minis," but at any rate, let's ease back into the Potterverse by discussing the surprisingly fun—considering all the death, despair, camping, etc.—first installment of the Deathly Hallows films! This week, the Grangers are definitely about a month from being charged with murdering their daughter; two Death Eaters go deep undercover in coveralls; Ron has bad-news snowblindness; Lucius loses his very cool and manly wand-holder thingie; and Dobby Voice ruins Dobby. Plus: A really ill-advised wedding! This week: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 Next week: Shell Cottage ... Read more

23 Sep 2020

1 HR 18 MINS

1:18:45

23 Sep 2020

#115

Ep. 94—Large Elder Wand Collider

OK, so we're (still) doing this. We recorded before a lot of real-world shit went down, which is just the way of things these days, but we still managed to talk about Ibram X. Kendi and class warfare. Very on-brand. Also this week, Ron eulogizes poorly; Fleur-ence Nightingale nurses an enormous number of people back to health; Griphook expresses correct and healthy skepticism of so-called "ally" wizards; and Greg uses the elder wand for SEO. Damn it, Greg. Plus: Grief. This week's chapter: The Wandmaker Next Week: Movie Mini for Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 ... Read more

05 Jul 2020

1 HR 29 MINS

1:29:07

05 Jul 2020

#114

Summary Supercut: Sorcerer's Stone

As promised, and because you gorgeous people raised THOUSANDS of dollars in the last 2 weeks for bail funds, criminal justice reform, affordable legal services, community health organizations, local and national Black Lives Matter affiliates, and more, here are all the summaries of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, spliced together. Here's what we learned: 1) WOW the early audio was bad; how did anyone get through this? 2) We used to do these way faster, and with remarkably few line-by-line dialogue recreations. 3) Buh-buh-buh motherf*ing was a Book 2 innovation. ... Read more

10 Jun 2020

14 MINS

14:38

10 Jun 2020

#113

Ep. 93—Fenrir Payback

In which we finally and totally dispense with the notion that these are chapter "summaries." So much Manor action, so little time! This week, Fenrir stirs up some stereotypes, Bellatrix has a "cool girl villain" accessory, Death Eater Nation is essentially a failed state, Scabbers finally snuffs it, and Dobby dies with his socks on. Plus: Draco Malfoy, Meme Lord. This week's chapter: Malfor Manor Next week's chapter: The Wandmaker ... Read more

12 May 2020

1 HR 44 MINS

1:44:32

12 May 2020

#112

Quibbler After Hours: Mr. Lupin's Opus

Happy Teacher Appreciation Week! Let's talk teachers. Why are the best lessons in the entire series taught by a supervillain? Why does Hagrid get to just like, introduce monsters and see what happens? Why doesn't everyone have to take arithmency, which seems like wizard math? Be honest, is astronomy really astrology, and if so, can I sign up? How does Ron know how to write his name? Why isn't there art class? Who in god's name put Albus Dumbledore in charge? Is anyone reviewing these lesson plans? Plus: Our favorite teachers, IRL. This episode is dedicated to the memory of the inimitable and unforgettable Paul Lowes. Rest peacefully, pal. ... Read more

06 May 2020

41 MINS

41:45

06 May 2020

#111

Ep. 92—Pod Save the Wizarding World

This episode is a lot of us patting ourselves on the back about how good podcasts are. Not ours, necessarily; mostly Lee Jordan's. We would for sure listen to his podcast. This week, Hermione gets an iota of the credit she's due; Harry has hallows mania; Remus has an extremely underwhelming alias; Ron sort of agrees with everyone; and Alex lectures us on strong passwords. Plus: Very little talk about the Virus that Must Not be Named. This week's chapter: The Deathly Hallows Next week's chapter: Malfoy Manor ... Read more

16 Apr 2020

44 MINS

44:10

16 Apr 2020

#110

Ep. 91—Hallows Be Thy Name

Podcasting in the time of pestilence … hope you're all hanging in there and prepared to use some of your potentially ample alone time to TALK ABOUT DEATH. Sorry, the timing of this one is weird, but yeah, it's a lot about death. And what shoes Death might wear. And what pants. And impossible moral choices in times of crisis. And the need to believe in something. And Patrick Stewart, a bit. Plus: Does Hermione actually believe in magic? This week's chapter: The Tale of the Three Brothers Next week's chapter: The Deathly Hallows ... Read more

20 Mar 2020

1 HR 09 MINS

1:09:33

20 Mar 2020

#109

Ep. 90—Chekhov's Erumpent Horn

If a crumple-horn snorcack appears in the first act … well, you know the drill. This week, Potter Productivity becomes a thing; so does #Rontent; Hermione reads in bed and that's an actual scene in this book, like a whole page of that; Xenophilius gets his Infowars on; and we wonder whether J. K. believes that all writers are trash. Plus: An easter egg that took forever. This week's chapter: Xenophilius Lovegood Next week's chapter: The Tale of the Three Brothers ... Read more

03 Mar 2020

47 MINS

47:27

03 Mar 2020

#108

Ep. 89—Deer Is Headlights

Ron is back! Hurray, we guess? Nah, it's good to have him around for rage fodder if nothing else. This week: Harry has learned nothing from Snake Corpse; nobody knows what Stan Shunpike looks like; Ron, admittedly, performs an act of daring and heroism, and gets a taste of what Harry's full entire life consists of; Hermione resembles Galadriel; and we get two thin, small-featured blonde actresses hilariously confused. Plus: a candle no one asked for. This week's chapter: The Silver Doe Next week's chapter: Xenophilius Lovegood ... Read more

07 Feb 2020

55 MINS

55:19

07 Feb 2020

#107

Ep. 88—The Monster Book of Twitter Monsters

Skip to 37:00 if you don't want to listen to us talk about being social justice warriors. Seriously, don't say we didn't warn you. This week, the tweet heard 'round the world, Harry's boulevard of broken nonsense Dumbledore gave him, the vagaries and idiocies of youth, but also the wonderful intensity of being a 17-year-old, and another mystifying character age discrepency. Plus: Heather says both the words "aunt" and "Grindlewald" differently in every sentence. This week's chapter: The Life & Lies of Albus Dumbledore Next week's chapter: The Silver Doe ... Read more

17 Jan 2020

1 HR 17 MINS

1:17:45

17 Jan 2020

#106

Muppet Mini: Marley & Marley & Cratchit & Scrooge & Rizzo

We barely scratched the surface of this shining paragon of filmmaking (The Muppet Christmas Carol), but here's a little holiday treat that has little to do with Harry Potter. Don't worry, though—we do sort the Muppets. Plus, the joys of strange background puppets, Michael Caine's virtuostic chemistry with his felt fellow performers, Beaker giving Scrooge that teensy red scarf, and a moment of appreciation for the best cinematic band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Happy whatever it is you're doing this week! ... Read more

25 Dec 2019

37 MINS

37:59

25 Dec 2019

#105

Ep. 87—Weekend at Bathilda's

In a book full of horrors, we have come to the most horrifying of them all: Snake Corpse. Like Cat Wife, but well, the {Jean Ralphio voice} wooooorst. This week, a snake lives inside a corpse. That’s it. That’s what happens. Also we have a truly deranged and off-topic debate that will probably become a question that claws at you in the dead of night for years to come. You’ll see. Plus: No, really, it’s just a snake corpse. This week’s chapter: Bathilda’s Secret Next week’s chapter: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore ... Read more

16 Dec 2019

1 HR 09 MINS

1:09:11

16 Dec 2019

#104

Ep. 86—Dean and Ted's Excellent Adventure

We have reached the nadir of Ron Weasley, and Heather is, naturally, in fine form. This week, Harry learns to fish; Hermione reads The Feminine Mystique; Griphook bristles; Dirk Cresswell is kind of a dick; the Potters are dead, to begin with; and Ron is definitely, definitely the worst. Plus: #mealplanning #keto #eatclean #elementaltransfiguration This week’s chapters: The Goblin’s Revenge & Godric’s Hollow Next week’s chapters: Bathilda’s Secret & The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore ... Read more

18 Nov 2019

1 HR 11 MINS

1:11:47

18 Nov 2019

#103

The Nibbler 4—What to Expect When You're Expecting an Abomination

It’s Halloween, and there’s truly nothing more chilling than the depths of Bella Swan’s myopic self-involvement. Except maybe whatever it is that Edward’s vampire effluvium has implanted in her womb. This week, the summary is almost an hour long; Edward breaks the bed; Bella has some pretty messed up pregnancy cravings; the werewolves have a schism; Seth Clearwater eats and Leah Clearwater stews; and then it gets even bloodier than usual. Plus: We continue to wish these books only featured the three dads. This week: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Books 1 and 2 Next week: Back to Deathly Hallows! ... Read more

01 Nov 2019

1 HR 41 MINS

1:41:27

01 Nov 2019

#102

Ep. 85—I Spy with My Little Mad-Eye

Stunning spell first, figure out the plan later—that is Harry’s eternal M.O., and it serves him not-so-well in this hairbrained sprint through the Ministry of Magic. Luckily, Hermione packed. This week, Harry leads a prison break; Ron has a two-Spidermen-pointing situation; Umbridge makes some interesting décor choices; and Greg gets wrecked. Plus: Wakanda … forever? This week’s chapters: The Muggle-Born Registration Commission & The Thief Next week’s chapters: The Goblin’s Revenge & Godric’s Hollow ... Read more

27 Oct 2019

1 HR 08 MINS

1:08:47

27 Oct 2019

#101

Ep. 84—Dark Marks and Misdemeanors

It turns out silent coups and rampant anti-muggle born bigotry are not that funny! Sorry about that. This week, the return of French onion soup; a lot of questions about grocery shopping; a nasty confrontation with a beloved father figure; the true villain of the entire series comes to light; and we talk about politics for way, way longer than you want us to. We can’t help it. Plus: Raise a glass to Rufus Scrimgeour. This week’s chapters: The Bribe & Magic is Might Next week’s chapters: The Muggle-born Registration Commission & The Thief ... Read more

11 Oct 2019

1 HR 05 MINS

1:05:47

11 Oct 2019

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#129

Ep. 102—Hagrid: Into the Spiderverse

#128

Ep. 101—No Time to Diadem

#127

Ep. 100—Wizardry, Equality, Fraternity

#126

Ep. 99—Hog's Head Revisited

#125

Ep. 98—Dumbles Dore (like Attorneys General)

#124

Advent Calendar Final Night—A Visit from an Obscure Greek Saint

#123

Advent Calendar Week 3—Midnight Sleigh to Candy Town

#122

Advent Calendar Week 2—Yosemite Clementine

#121

Advent Calendar Week 1—How the Grinch Stole Everything

#120

Ep. 97—There's Some Horcruxes in This House

#119

Ep. 96—Pavlov's Dragon

#118

The Nibbler 5—Live Free or Twi-hard

#117

Ep. 95—Gender Revelio!

#116

Movie Mini 7—Creature Feature Creep

#115

Ep. 94—Large Elder Wand Collider

#114

Summary Supercut: Sorcerer's Stone

#113

Ep. 93—Fenrir Payback

#112

Quibbler After Hours: Mr. Lupin's Opus

#111

Ep. 92—Pod Save the Wizarding World

#110

Ep. 91—Hallows Be Thy Name

#109

Ep. 90—Chekhov's Erumpent Horn

#108

Ep. 89—Deer Is Headlights

#107

Ep. 88—The Monster Book of Twitter Monsters

#106

Muppet Mini: Marley & Marley & Cratchit & Scrooge & Rizzo

#105

Ep. 87—Weekend at Bathilda's

#104

Ep. 86—Dean and Ted's Excellent Adventure

#103

The Nibbler 4—What to Expect When You're Expecting an Abomination

#102

Ep. 85—I Spy with My Little Mad-Eye

#101

Ep. 84—Dark Marks and Misdemeanors