This is the weekly columnI get it. Using words to describe what a wine tastes like is like dancing about architecture. But wine writers do it anyway, and wine readers read it anyway.Part of the reason: something is better than nothing. And, to be fair, the typical word salad does convey a rough idea of what to expect when you pull the cork or twist the Stelvin closure. Cherry, raspberry, plum for that bottle of red. Apple, citrus, lemon-lime for that bottle of dry white. The words may alert you about flavors or styles you want to avoid, or flavors or styles you enjoy or want to explore.But I expect another reason people read wine descriptions is the writer’s attempt to be witty, clever, entertaining. Examples:• For a dry, zero residual sugar wine: “So dry it endangers the water level in swimming pools.”• For a tannic red built for aging: “So much structure you may have to pay property taxes.”• For a sauv blanc: “Aromas of gooseberry and honeydew, with a whiff of your neighbor mowing his front lawn.”• For a cool-climate riesling: “The aroma of petrol is a sign of quality, trust me on this. Give it some time to breath and it will be like that diesel truck was never there.”• For sweet dessert wine: “So sweet diabetics best consult their physician before sipping.”• For a low quality, high alcohol wine: “Bottle should be concealed in stained brown paper bag and wine consumed under a highway overpass.”• For over-the-top butter, oak, and alcohol chard: “So big and voluptuous it makes Marilyn Monroe look like the poor little match girl.”• For poor quality merlot: “Gives deep insight into the movie Sideways.”• For extremely refined, expensive Premier Grand Cru Bordeaux: “So elegant and sophisticated it makes Maurice Chevalier look like one of the Three Stooges.”• For delicious riesling: “Creates an unusual yearning to wear lederhosen.”• For over-oaked wine: “Tastes like liquid trees.”• For especially delicious wine: “A foretaste of your experience at the wine bar in heaven.”• For bottom-shelf supermarket wine: “Perfect if you crave the lowest common denominator.”• For low-end boxed wine: “Your credit card will love you at check out. Your head, not so much tomorrow morning.”• For full-bodied red wine: “Easily could compete in a Mr. Universe contest.”• For very high acidity wine: “Enough acidity to clean hard water stains.”• For quality rosé: “Good first date wine, assuming you desire a second date.”Tasting notes• Domaine Bousquet Unoaked Chardonnay, Tupungato Uco Valley, Mendoza, Argentina 2023: Clean, bright expression of high altitude Argentine chardonnay made by trailblazer in organic, biodynamic, and regenerative agriculture. $13 <a target="_blank" href="https://www.gusclemensonwine.com/domaine-bousquet-unoaked-chardonnay-tupungato-uco-valley-mendoza-argentina-2023/#more-20823">Link to my review</a>• Château Maris La Touge 2019: Straightforward crowd pleaser; affable tannins and acidity allow ripe, flavorful fruits to lead the silky parade on your palate. Excellent integration of darker fruit elements without intrusion of oak. $20-23 <a target="_blank" href="https://www.gusclemensonwine.com/chateau-maris-la-touge-2019/#more-20803">Link to my review</a>• Early Mountain Vineyards Novum, Virginia 2022: Lively, tasty unusual dark fruit blend of Virginia grapes—cab franc, merlot, and tannat. A must-try wine both as a blend you seldom encounter and as an excellent example of a Virginia wine. $60 <a target="_blank" href="https://www.gusclemensonwine.com/early-mountain-vineyards-novum-virginia-2022/#more-20717">Link to my review</a>• Aperture Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon, Sonoma County 2019: Amazingly approachable with silky tannins and mouthfeel. Rich dark fruit flavors. Round, polished. $70 <a target="_blank" href="https://www.gusclemensonwine.com/aperture-cellars-cabernet-sauvignon-sonoma-county-2019/#more-20833">Link to my review</a>Last roundIn the corn (maize) maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was eerie, but—shucks—I didn’t have a kernel of an idea what to do, so I just played it by ear. Wine time.This is a reader-supported publication. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. No matter how you subscribe, I appreciate you reading.Links worth exploring<a target="_blank" href="https://victoriadelamaza.substack.com/">Diary of a Serial Hostess</a> Ins and outs of entertaining; witty anecdotes of life in the stylish lane.<a target="_blank" href="https://asweeat.substack.com/">As We Eat</a> Multi-platform storytelling explores how food connects, defines, inspires.<a target="_blank" href="https://dmwineline.substack.com/">Dave McIntyre’s WineLine</a> Longtime Washington Post wine columnist now on Substack. Entertaining, informative.Email: wine@cwadv.comNewsletter: <a target="_blank" href="https://gusclemens.substack.com/">gusclemens.substack.com</a>Website: <a target="_blank" href="https://www.gusclemensonwine.com">Gus Clemens on Wine website</a>Facebook: <a target="_blank" href="https://www.facebook.com/GusClemensOnWine/timeline/">facebook.com/GusClemensOnWine/posts/</a>Twitter (X): @gusclemensBluesky <a target="_blank" href="https://bsky.app/profile/gusclemensonwine.bsky.social">https://bsky.app/profile/gusclemensonwine.bsky.social</a> .Long form wine stories on Vocal: <a target="_blank" href="https://vocal.media/authors/gus-clemens">Gus Clemens on Vocal</a>Apple podcasts <a target="_blank" href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&#38;rls=en&#38;q=apple+podcasts+gus+clemens+apple+p%E2%80%A6&#38;ie=UTF-8&#38;oe=UTF-8">https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=apple+podcasts+gus+clemens+apple+p…&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8</a>.Linkedin: Gus Clemens on Wine This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit <a href="https://gusclemens.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&#38;utm_campaign=CTA_2">gusclemens.substack.com/subscribe</a>

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Wine reviews humor 8-13-2025

Gus Clemens on Wine explores and explains the world of wine in simple, humorous, fun posts

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