Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years.  They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect.Time Stamps4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg8:48  #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening8:54  #2 goal - give you skill and strategies9:01 Assumption:  She’s doing the best she can at the present time9:58  Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going onIt's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking18:40  Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings  19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room  to help someone talk21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talk<ul><li>Give her space and time</li><li>Invite her to share when she’s ready</li><li>Validate and give her a moment- this lets her know you are there</li><li>Use statements rather than questions</li><li>Warning: don’t add the BUT</li><li>Using rating scales</li></ul>29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold”39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotionsResources:  <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/ChildrensAlexithymiaMeasure.pdf'>Handout </a>on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia Video of how to get someone to open up in a  conversationMetaphor of the IcebergLeslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understandingFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/'>https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/</a> . You can also follow Leslie’s work on <a href='https://www.facebook.com/lesliecohenrubury'>Facebook</a>,  <a href='https://www.instagram.com/lesliecohenrubury/'>Instagram</a>, <a href='https://www.tiktok.com/@lesliecohenrubury'>TikTok</a> and <a href='https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVcszFgY4rjHqO6-sUA5PFw'>YouTube</a>. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by <a href='https://www.allettacooper.com/'>Alletta Cooper</a>, <a href='http://camilasalazar.org/'>Camila Salazar</a>, and <a href='https://lesliecohenrubury.com/'>Leslie Cohen-Rubury</a>. Theme music is by <a href='https://www.premiumbeat.com/artist/l-ray-music'>L-Ray Music</a>. Graphics and Website Design by <a href='https://www.sabordesign.com/'>Brien O’Reilly</a>. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

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Nicky & AJ Part 1 of 4: When Your Child's Defiance is Confusing

Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

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